These past months, I’ve faced more grief and change than I could have previously imagined happening in such a short time span. And it turns out, all those cliche’ quotes about strength are true!
I keep thinking of this analogy of a ship at sea. It’s like, the ship and it’s crew leave a port and then get hit by all of these major storms. Then everyone goes into survival mode and has to keep taking everything one, soggy, step at a time.
And then, one day, the skies clear and the water grows calm again. Soon you hear the words “Land ho!” And it seems too good to be true. Are things truly settled down? Are the storms really finished? But there it is, despite doubts! A new port comes into view, and sighs of relief are had all around.
I feel like I’ve finally come into that new port. But it is really hard to believe. I suppose that’s where faith comes in. Right? God’s been teaching me all about that. He’s been like the Captain on my ship, making sure His crew is safe, that no one falls over board, and always whispers “Just keep breathing.”
I’ve heard plenty of stories about other people who go through bad times, and they get mad at God, like it was His fault or something. Honestly, I expected myself to react that way too. But I never did, even if I tried, I found no reason to be mad at Him.
What I have learned is, God doesn’t necessarily make the bad things happen. He is, always definitely there by your side though- because He wants to help you through the bad things.
Anyway, I keep thinking to myself ‘When will things go back to normal?’. The problem is, things never will go back to normal. They can almost-sometimes go back to normal- if you stop and recall memories. Or, for example, I can hear my mom being mad about things such as me not wiping the counter off and things like that. And then it feels as if she’s still alive. But, in reality, I have to find a new normal. Which is very bittersweet.
It’s no secret that I hate change. But at least I can swallow that pill with a spoonful of sugar; the sugar being all those little things and big things, in the present and the future, that are truly beautiful. Like, seeing my daughter give a toothy grin, watching the blossoming apple trees dance in the wind, seeing my dad laugh again, seeing how my horses respond positively to what I tech them and things like that.
Sure it sucks, having to let go of loved ones, but I can think about that more when I’m out to sea again.
For now, at least for tonight, I can feel peace in this port and stock up on supplies for the next voyage.