Let It Go

Let It Go

Last night we said goodbye to Mom’s dog Java.
She is 13 almost 14 years old and can barely walk anymore, along with other various health problems. It is sad…but we also know she is in a lot of pain.

I am really sick of saying goodbye.

It seems like all I have been doing lately. I just keep telling myself “Let It Go.” (and depending on my mood either the song from Frozen pops into my head, or the first line of “Little Wonders” from Meet the Robinsons pops into my head.)

Can’t I just hold on to something for a while?! 

I know…BLAHBLAHBLAH the only constant in life is change…but I don’t have to always like it. I don’t want to let it go, I don’t want to make peace. I WANT to be stubborn and make everything just WAIT A COTTON PICKING MINUTE so that I can catch up.

*sigh*

(I feel like I’m just arguing with myself and letting you witness it)

*sips coffee* *checks baby monitor*

On another note Baby T is learning to put himself to sleep for nap. Which makes me sad and happy at the same time. It saves me a whole lot of frustration, and it’s good in the long run to start early but, also I don’t get to sit there and hold him for 15-30 minutes while he falls asleep.

Until Next Week
– Mama T2447593bc83713430c0b9583df36619b

 

 

Advertisements
Boxes.

Boxes.

We started going through Mom’s things this week.

How do you box up someone’s whole life without putting parts of yourself in there too?

Everything is attached to a memory, and when you know no new ones can be made those items become the only tangible things connecting you to the past. A past that you don’t want to be boxed away and done with. Realistically you cannot keep all of those things either though.

How are you supposed to pick which parts to hang on to, and what parts are okay to let go?

I know some stuff Mom would laugh at us for keeping. Somehow she always knew when it was time to let go. (whether it was items, feelings, or toxic people) She always knew what mattered most.

One of the things we found was a binder of poems that she had typed up. I read aloud a funny one about the time her dog actually ate her homework, and another one about some muddy boots. Then I came to one in font five times bigger than the rest, and red flowers in the corners, labeled CHANGE. This one I couldn’t read aloud.

CHANGE

Good bye-
We have said it before.
I guess it is time
to say it once more.

Our paths seem to split.
Two different directions they take.
The journey stays the same.
We live and love for Jesus’ sake.

Change is a part of life.
We know it to be true.
So now come some
changes for you.

Prayer will keep us
where miles have parted.
God will finish
all that He has started.

As you leave
look ahead to see
what God will do
and who you will be.

Susanna Collins
April 18, 2000

 

Until Next Week
– Mama T

 

 

Be Better.

Be Better.

Have any of you heard of Save The Storks?

If you have time watch this: 

If you have more time, watch this: 

 

A few years ago,  at Sonshine Music Festival in Wilmar Mn,  Save The Storks had a booth and a group of us actually met Joe Baker (Founder and CEO) and got to go inside one of their vans. It was a crazy, awesome experience. Especially for me, a teen in high school, who had written multiple school papers on the subject of abortion.

I can honestly attest to the van being  clean and inviting , with a safe feeling atmosphere.

Fast forward to my husband and I losing our son at 14 weeks in the womb. (The pain of that experience which can only be understood by someone else who has gone through the same thing. ) And I just remember thinking repeatedly, But….. I wanted him! while trying to fathom how anyone, when it really came down to it, could knowingly end a baby’s life.

This subject has been big on my mind, especially this month, because August was when my son was due to be born.

I couldn’t save my son, Aaron’s, life.  But Save The Storks gives me the opportunity to give other babies the chance to live!  That’s why I want to spread awareness of  the amazing work these people do.

Now, I realize that some of you honestly don’t have a lot of money. But even spreading the word about Save The Storks is helpful! Also, if you check out their online store, they have reasonably priced merch. So even if you have one dollar, you can buy one of their buttons and that money still goes towards saving lives.

I hope you don’t just pass this off, but think and act.  Because this is a serious cause.  Here’s a link to Save The Stork’s website: https://savethestorks.com/

Go check it out!

-H

a154045f89eba4811e5d14d7baee3890

 

 

A New Thing. Part 2

A New Thing. Part 2

As I mentioned before (see A New Thing.) I am trying this thing. I went back and did my best to make peace with my past. So, I guess the next step is to make peace with the present. Probably much harder because the present is ALWAYS changing. If I’m not careful all too soon the present will be the past and I will have to start all over again.

My life is definitely not what I thought it would be. Really though who can say that their life is exactly as they thought it would be? (if you’re out there can you please tell me what I have been doing wrong?!) So, I am working on being okay with what is. Part of that is also being okay with who I am. (something else that is really hard) But…how do I do that? How to I let go of the things I wanted my life to be? See the thing is…I don’t think we have to let go of the things we want our life to be. We just have to be okay with knowing we aren’t there YET. You know, all those sayings about “enjoy the journey” “trust the process”. Wanting your life to be different isn’t the problem. Being upset about what your life IS at the moment makes you miss out on the things it could be…because you are trying too hard to make it something that it is not. And too busy wishing it was something else. (I’m basically talking to myself here and trying to process “out loud” so if this makes no sense to you I apologize.)

I know I don’t want to miss out on Baby T’s childhood, and all the things that my life COULD be. So, I am trying to make peace with where I am right now.

  • Mama T

2940b3886ef44c4d21f127b210acd20b

Red and Sparkling

Red and Sparkling

We picked out Mom’s gravestone today.

So, I wore my diffuser necklace, and put the blend Valor on it. I said, “okay Mom show us what you want.”

It was easier than I thought it would be…easy in the sense that we already knew what she would have liked so, it wasn’t a hard decision. Mom was someone who never hid the things she loved. You never had to wonder what to buy her, or what to make for her. And most importantly you never had to wonder how she felt about you. If you were someone important in her life, she made sure you knew it.

Thats all I have for now…it’s been a long week and it’s only Wednesday.

– Mama T

(This is a picture I found on Mom’s “worthy words” Pinterest board)

A New Thing.

A New Thing.

570306913087f9c66bd003c25fc38463

I’m trying this thing.
I have been trying to let go little of things. Things that are slowing draining me from my happiness. Things that are leaking negativity, or negative energy if you will…into my mind without me even noticing. (I hate using the words “energy” or “vibes” because they get used too lightly and frequently causing them to loose their meaning…BUT that is what it IS!)

I wasn’t really sure how or where to start but, it kind of happened on accident. I guess I’m trying to start at the beginning. So, looking into my past. I have started the process of forgiving things I never let go of completely, and apologizing for things I know were wrong or hurtful. (not “nit picking” the past but all those things that are still nagging at me that I know are still effecting the present) As things are gradually being resolved I actually FEEL the difference.

I really didn’t think it would be as noticeable as it is. I just knew there were somethings I needed to make right, and other things I needed to stop thinking about in the middle of the night instead of sleeping. (haha) Though now I am starting to plan in the middle of the night….but at least it is mostly positive thinking.

I’m pretty sure this process will never be over and I’m not sure what the next step is….but this is where I am at.

Until Next Week
– Mama T

 

Water in the Wilderness

Water in the Wilderness

Home used to be a fixed place for me. Now, I see that home is wherever you carve a niche out with your people.

I like that. It gives me the free reign to create tiny worlds that exist within reality, but that also hold a shield against reality. (Finding peace in the storm.)

I never really noticed this concept until I became a mom. I’m so aware of my daughter’s wants and needs that I end up packing most of the house when we go anywhere. And then I ‘set up shop’ for her, so that she can feel safe no matter where we are.

Well,  on our recent trip to Illinois, I got to be with my people that I hadn’t seen for a while. And it was great. The five of us cousins, four with kids, all sat in the grass in one of my cousins’ back yards. Blankets, baby toys, and plates of pizza were spread all around us. And there we were; Battle scars, fears, hopes, and laughter  shinning like halos above our heads.  And as we talked (mostly about baby stuff..) the world and all it’s darkness couldn’t touch us.

Home. 

I’ve been desperately searching for peace and hope- being constantly pushed under the waves by tragedy, grief, and heart ache….

I know I’m not the only one.

So let’s all just close our eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and let the chaos melt away.  Nothing can touch us- at least for this moment.

And when we open our eyes and feel the weight of the world on our shoulders again; remember this:

We will survive.

-H

 

true

(I don’t know who this person is, but their words ring true.)